The past few months have been interesting, both personally and professionally. Remarkable because of the constant state of tension—being pulled toward good and bad, defeated and hopeful, life-giving and life-taking, reasons for celebration and moments of grief.
This may be the first time I’ve been so aware it. I plan to share some of these stories with you but for now, let me tell me you about my never-ending struggle between my head and heart.
I’ve been thinking more about writing as a way for me to live out my calling. I lost count of the blogs and advice pieces I read but I feel like I heard it all. The number of different (and conflicting) approaches to writing for a living is staggering. Some writers have very specific strategies for success, while others have an open approach. And of course, there are people at various points in between. The more I researched, the more I realized my problem.
My head gets in the way of my heart.
I was becoming increasingly obsessed with finding the perfect path, wanting to do it right while preserving authenticity. I found that when I tried to plan the perfect content for the perfect time it fell flat. But when I flowed with life’s circumstances and captured my honest experiences as they arose it seemed to resonate. Ironically, this story was initially planned as my website launch but it’s been on the shelf, untouched for weeks.
When I want something badly, it doesn’t happen but when I restrain myself from trying to control it, things flow in perfect timing. For weeks I felt stuck while I debated whether to start my own website. There were pros and cons; I listed them all. I researched costs, templates, various options, and read the opinions of many ‘professional’ writers but I still couldn’t make a decision. Even as I recall this now I feel my head wanting to take over.
So I prayed, “God if you want me to take this next step then I want someone to ask me to write.”
The next day at work while I poured a tea in the lunchroom, my boss rushed past saying a quick hello. Her shoes squeaked to a halt just past the doorway and, out of breath, she turned back, “Hey, are you busy this afternoon? All of our writers are away and I have a project that needs to be done today.”
Well, I guess that was my answer. Not only did I get a cool opportunity at work but I was reminded that I need to get out of the way and let things happen. My head bogs things down, my plans can halt progress, my fears stunt growth, my strategies aren’t always necessary.
But my heart? My heart fuels dreams. My heart keeps it flowing, my heart pumps life, my heart captures vulnerability, authenticity, and passion. My heart leads me to places I wouldn’t have the courage or foresight to venture. And so far, it hasn’t led me astray. It’s gotten me closer to my true self than ever before.