Scared to write
My Facebook friends may have noticed already, but I have dusted the cobwebs off my blog in preparation for a relaunch. I didn’t realize it would post updates on stories written nearly two years ago so while I was a tad embarrassed to discover that, I was also encouraged. The few likes they garnered firmed my resolution to write again. In the 384 days since sharing my last story, I hadn’t had the courage to do it again.
For almost 55 weeks I was scared to write.
A few years ago I shared a story on my old blog about a particular YWAM speaker whose approach I found disconcerting. I had a negative opinion of his approach, finding it aggressive and arrogant, leaving me unable to focus on the topic. I remember being so turned off that, if given the chance to teach in the future, I vowed not to be like him. Though I learned much about myself in that short time, the true impact of our meeting wouldn’t be felt for a few months.
Ironically, a man I shunned taught me a great lesson.
I continued writing and sharing my experiences, good and bad, with a growing group of followers. Admittedly, I allowed the number of likes and positive comments to inflate my ego; I got a high watching my blog stats increase. I was starting to overestimate the value of my insights and articulation. And then it happened. A little voice reminded of a certain person of whom I was not overly fond, “Do you remember [Anonymous]? What’s the difference between him and you?” Immediately overcome with guilt and shame I realized I was beginning to adopt the approach I despised.
I stopped writing altogether.
Something I had found therapeutic and energizing had become a burden. I love to write; it is my preferred means to process emotions and express my thoughts and beliefs. It saddened, as much as frightened, me that I may never regain my love for it. For months, I was unable to coax even the simplest story out of my mind without burying it in doubt and fear. My head ached to release the words imprisoned inside but my heart knew a change was required first. I had lost sight of my reason and purpose for writing; I strayed from the truth down a path of opinionated rants.
If I was going to redeem this gift I had to start over.
It took many months of thought and prayer to capture the vision that would lead me back to the right path and I am excited to relaunch my blog with a renewed purpose. I want to capture truth and share my feelings with graceful honesty. I want my stories to be positive and uplifting, combining lived experiences, biblical guidance, and hopeful thinking. But in all pieces, I want humility, simplicity, and love to be clear.
After 1 year and 19 days, I finally posted a story about a work training trip in Honduras and followed it with a second story 5 days later on that same trip. The block had finally been lifted and I feel free to write again! I look forward to sharing more stories with the sole hope that you find encouragement in them.